Being Present!

Sitting…wondering…my mind is busy busy busy…wondering…how much pain is enough…would anything help…would food help…would sleep help…would friends and family help…would less visitors help…would watching the Giants and Eagles help…Green Bay and the Colts…would being alone help…?

Sitting…wondering …what is going on in the mind of the 6 year old little boy, who is experiencing what I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Always wondering what contribution we can be…what can we do…? And…there’s nothing to be done.

He is dying.

The father of this little child…the husband of this amazing incapacitated yet resilient wife…the oldest son…the brother to four…the friend to many…our nephew…is dying

Upstairs…downstairs…upstairs again…soon there will not be any downstairs. “I don’t want the hospital bed. I don’t want to pay for the hospital bed.” “We aren’t paying for the bed. It comes free with hospice.” No matter he doesn’t want the hospital bed…but it’s here…part of the presence of the impending leaving of his body.

He knows…and in many ways, despite the pain and the weakness, doesn’t acknowledge what we are certain he knows…that the occasional brief moments of teary eyes confirm that he knows…and yet refuses to accept. And he holds on…holds on to his 6 year old son for dear life…tells his wife, who leaves briefly for an errand to make it easier for him to see games on a larger screen, he doesn’t want her to leave him even for a moment…we all assume lest he be alone at the moment when the unknown arrives.

And, once again (because it seems as if we have been such “midwives” before), we know…the best we can do, is be the contribution we be…being here…being now…holding the space…allowing all to receive what we all are willing to receive…to receive simply who and what he is…a gift to all of us right now…that we are so grateful for…and who and what we are…infinite beings who are grateful for our lives as they are.